Tuesday, November 16, 2004

 

The evolution of the evangelical sky spirit cults

Context: A letter from fundamentalist Bob Jones, to George W. Bush, congratulating President Bush on his election victory:

It is interesting to follow the evolution of these evangelical sky spirit cults. Unlike the organized sky spirit cults (such as the Roman Catholics, Episcopalians, etc.), the evangelical sky spirit cults have no central body which detirmines what the church believes in. Rather, each congregation is independent, and hires or fires its clergy depending upon how much they like the clergy's lies. Thus their beliefs evolve rapidly, unlike the turgidly-moving beliefs of the organized churches, and in ways that would quite surprise the Jew named Jesus whose words they regard as holy literature.

I saw this in action one time at a small country church near where my mother grew up. The deacons of the church had gotten it into their head that they needed a real Christly pastor, not some city slicker who was just there to take their money. So they went and found a pastor who was running a charity and living in poverty rather than in a crystal cathedral, and hired him to preach in their church on Sundays.

The first Sunday, he started on the normal liturgy. And then he kept going. And going. At 12 noon, the congregation started getting restless. Did not this man understand? More important things were happening in the world -- the Dallas Cowboys were playing the Oakland Raiders! At 12:15, as this pastor implored his flock to live a Christly life, and informed his flock that it was not just enough to SAY they accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, they had to MEAN it, which meant they had to LIVE it... people started getting up and walking out, why, this preacher had already made them miss most of the first quarter! By 12:20, half the congregation had walked out. By 12:30, the only people left were the feeble old church ladies, who had been raised right and would never be so impolite as to stand up and walk out while the preacher was speaking (and besides, they did not care about football, unlike the young'uns). They were busily fanning themselves in exasperation, however, like a collection of feeble butterflies fluttering in the gloom.

The next Sunday, only a few people showed up. The Sunday after that, even fewer. The collection plate was empty, containing only the few pennies the church ladies put into it. The treasury was depleting rapidly. In desperation, the deacons did the only thing they could do to keep the lights on and the church open: They raided the building fund, and paid off the pastor's contract, and told him to go back to running his charities.

The next pastor finished his sermon punctually at 11:50am, just enough time to get a couple of hymns in before the start of the game, and was swift to assure the churchgoers that all they had to do in order to get into Heaven was bend the knee and accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, and then all their sins would be washed away in the Blood of the Lamb and forgiven. The sky spirit cultists smiled in relief. Finally, a pastor who gave them what they wanted -- a faith where they could sin as much as they wanted, as long as they then begged Jesus for forgiveness and accepted him back into their hearts! Why, the only way they could go to the eternal flames of hell were if they somehow succumbed to death in the short few minutes between beating the crap out of their wife or kids, and praying to Jesus for forgiveness!

The new pastor was the pride of the church, and his fame soon spread far and wide. By the time six months had passed, the pastor's church was the most popular church in all the town, and the collection plate was triple what it had ever been before. The deacons smiled happily, and everybody lived happily ever after. Amen.

The point, the point... the evangelical sky spirit cults are in an inevitable race to the bottom, where they must continually water down their teachings in order to give their cult members guilt-free sermons that end on time so that the churchgoers don't miss the first quarter of football. Consider it to be an arms race, of sorts, where what they preach and what they teach has little to do with the bizarre fantasy/science fiction that they call their "Holy literature". And the people smile, and bob their heads, and praise their glorious preacher man, for he understands best of all what they REALLY want: Lies, bright and shining lies, lies to excuse their many failings, their small-mindedness, their hatred of others, lies to hold close and dear to themselves. For the truth... ah, but who wishes to know the truth, anyhow?

Subverting these evangelical sky spirit cults to serve the purposes of the Party was the work of literally minutes. They are so eager to embrace any lie that they wish to believe... after all, they embrace so many already, each and every day. And the fun part is that we need never deliver! In fact, it would not be in the Party's best interest to ever deliver! As with the war in Iraq, the war against non-Christians is one that we in the Party intend to never win. After all, the war against non-Christians serves the Party so well, giving the evangelical sky spirit cults such glorious hatreds to embrace, and such a tremendous sense of belonging and hope for the future! It would be a pity - nay, a tragedy - to deny these evangelical sky spirit cultists their sense of persecution that defines their very being by giving them what they want, victory over non-Christians. And the hilarious part is that they will never see that we never intend to give them what they want, because it is not what they want to see -- they will always, ALWAYS, blame liberals - athiests - anti-Christian - anti-American forces, rather than we in the Party who so carefully make sure that their war is never won!

Orwellianly Yours,
Karl Rove O'Brien, Bush's Brain

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